My Big Baby with a Big Head

My photo when I was still 7 months pregnant.

Two months since my water broke, labored for 9 hours but ended up delivering a baby via cesarean section because her head is too big to pass through my birth canal. (I gave birth on September 5, 2019.)

It’s been two months since I gave birth to this “big baby with a big head” (as what the doctors and nurses would call her). Born weighing 4.36kg (9.6 lbs) with diagnosis of macrocephaly (abnormally large head size), we were instructed to see a neurologist for further investigations on her brain. It was my first time to encounter MRI scanning and genetics test – and these are such big words for me. Every time we will go to the hospital, there is a small impression in my heart that feels like my baby is not a normal baby. Why does she has to go through these special assessments? But every time she smiles and giggles, it feels like she’s telling me, “Don’t worry mommy. I am okay.”

This is Rosea, my baby. The “big baby with a big head.”

In my prayers, I asked God to give me wisdom to understand all these new experiences in my life. Today, He gave me an answer. He reminded me that Rosea is His, not ours. We are just His stewards of this new beautiful life. He reminded me that our child’s life has already planned perfectly by Him and we must surrender; and to be simply thankful and glad that He gave us this privilege to serve Him by taking care of her.

It has been two months of purely God’s grace, love and mercy in our family. We have a very long way to go, more days and years to experience God’s goodness and faithfulness in our life. Thank You, our Lord and God – for everything. All glory and praises to You alone. Thank You, my Jesus.

~ Madylene’s Diary (November 5, 2019)

My Personal Legend

While working on my engineering project which has to be delivered two days from now, I was intently listening to the audio book version of “The Alchemist” (the top selling book of all times written by Paulo Coelho).

I have read the book once about two years ago and I’ve been wanting to read it again for the second time. However, I do not have much time to re-read a book because I am currently reading Coelho’s “The Devil and Miss Prym”. So I have decided to listened “The Alchemist” via Youtube. I was able to finish the entire story while working long hours on my engineering project.

To those who have read The Alchemist, you can recall that it is about the story of a boy named Santiago and his journey in finding his Personal Legend. (I don’t have much time to write a story review here and I strongly recommend that you read it yourself.)

New Life and Season is Coming

Why am I journaling this moment of my life? Because I am 33 weeks pregnant and about to give birth on my first child on the next few weeks. I am aware that my life will about to drastically change and I knew I need to reflect on my life.

I asked myself what is my “personal legend”? Hearing again the story of “The Alchemist” strongly stirs my soul – calling me to be clear with my mission here on earth and act on it.

It breaks my heart as I listened to the story while working. Because I have been wanting to quit my engineering job to give more time and energy in my writings and business dream. I have already started doing something about it but it makes me feel sad because the truth is that I am doing it part-time.

I read from somewhere that says “Don’t pursue your dreams part-time. You have to be fully engaged to it.” And I am exactly that person right now because I am still doing something that is not in line with my purpose.

My Personal Legend

Around 2016, I was able to clarify my personal legend. I will summarize it in bullets:

  • To always seek spiritual growth and connection with God, the creator of all.
  • To write books and stories.
  • To build a business that God wants me to bring to the world.
  • To be a good wife and mother to my family.

It seems that I am almost there… It’s just that I have to eliminate few things that are not aligned – and that is working for someone else just to earn money to sustain our family. (I still support my parents needs.)

It crashes my heart, time and energy every time I would sit on my laptop doing the job that I am not passionate about. But soon, I am really hoping that I will stop doing it and be fully in line with my personal legend I mentioned above.

I am not sure of anything in the future but I am still hoping for the best. Writing these thoughts now makes me feel more inspired to really live it. I want to write and read my life here someday – that I am living my life purpose. I will write more here… to document my journey… from dreaming, to having thoughts and actually conceiving it to the physical world.

I am only sure of one thing. I will never stop; never give up and will do everything that I can. 🙂

~ Madylene’s Diary

Business Thoughts: Starting a business – again!?!

My mind is restless today. It’s the sum of my recent thoughts about our future family plans. My husband and I came up with a decision that our maximum stay here in Qatar should be five (5) years. (Our native country is Philippines. We are here in middle east because my husband’s current job is here.)

The only resort we can think of is to establish a stable business in the Philippines within five years so that in time of going back home for good, we already have a sustainable financial resources for our family needs. So here I am, a naturally business enthusiast person got so thrilled and challenged with the fact that “I need to come up with a good business idea that I can make flourish within five years.”

Realistically speaking, to build a sustainable business in five years is a one tough challenge for every entrepreneur. I am excited and thrilled at the same time. My mind is blowing with ideas and possibilities.

My Business Background

I am passionate about business – from creating ideas to putting it into reality; to handling and managing system and people; and to other important aspects of building a good business. I just love it!

However, I am not so proud to share that up until today, I have not been able to establish a stable one. I tried many small start-up businesses in the past (way back when I was single). Here are some of the businesses I started but ended up closing it due to circumstances that I would say… “the universe is just simply telling me that it is not for me.”

  • Engineering design and consultancy firm – this was my first venture in business. My team and I started small – taking one engineering project at a time. But because I was the only one who handles the firm full time and my other members were doing it as a side hustle, we were not able to grow and sustain handling regular projects.
  • Training and seminars consultancy firm – this next venture is a leap to something new. This is far from my real profession as engineer (unlike the 1st business, it is related). But I learned that I have a good skill in facilitating training and seminars to people. I enjoyed speaking, making training modules and facilitating seminar events. So I started my on firm and offered services to schools, companies and small institutions. But again, it did not last long. I realized that it is not for me. I enjoyed it but I am not passionate about it.
  • Frozen foods manufacturer and distributor – can you imagine my shifts!? From engineering to training to selling frozen foods like longaniza, bacons and hotdogs!? I didn’t know anything about it but I met someone who taught me how to do it and eventually decided to make it as a business. Again, it did not last long because it is clearly not meant for me.

I still have lots of small business that are too many to mention. In spite all the failures that I faced when I was younger, I never regretted any of it. I learned a lot from it and I enjoyed the hardships and challenges it brought me along the way.

(Perhaps in the future, I’ll be writing a separate blog what I learned about business, failing and not giving up.)

Different perspective in making decisions for building a business

I was single and care-free then. For me, it was the best time to try out business because the risk of failing and losing has no big effect on the people around me. It’s just me and my own money.

But now it’s different… I have my own family now and we are just starting. Soon, I will have children to feed and send to school. It is not just about me anymore. The risk of failing will always be there but I know I have to be more careful and intentional.

That is why my mind is clouded lately of thinking about starting a business and considering all the calculated risks to lessen the chances of failing. I have to think and plan carefully. I have a thing in mind already but I’ve got to prepare my mind well. Because this time I have a new reason why I will do business. It is not all about me anymore. It is about the family we are building. 🙂

Note: If you have thoughts to share that you think can help me with this new venture that I am trying to explore, please feel free to comment and share your insights. I’d love to hear it! Thanks in advance! 🙂

What internet and social media did to me

I just realized that internet world is such a crowded place to live in. Before starting this blog site, I set a strong intention to myself that I will write and publish for myself and not for others. I am rooting this from my past mistake – wherein I allow myself to be changed for the sake of attention, online competition and social pressures.

What internet and social media did to me?

I have once been a victim of social entitlement and saturated competition over the internet – where I do things mainly to get attention and praises from others.

    I developed a strong sense of competition over other writers.
    I was envious of others who get many followers, comments and likes on their posts.
    I doubted my capabilities because I could not make it to the crowd.

I struggled hard and for a long time dealing with this disease. Yes, I consider social entitlement through social media and internet a disease – because it is killing my true identity.

Setting new perspective in writing and blogging

I realized that internet is not a bad thing. It is just a tool provided for us to make our life better. But because of human nature that is filled with ego and selfishness, we make wrong of using it. We allow our pride to devour us and so we keep on finding ways how we can get to the top through this tool called internet.

As part of my healing process, I learned that I should make a shift of perspective on how I should use internet to cater my passion for writing and publishing.

My new perspective is simple. As I’ve mentioned on the first paragraph, “I set a strong intention to myself that I will write and publish for myself and not for others.”

(You can also read my other post, Why I Started My Online Diary)

Writing freely

As I write this diary entry, I am expressing my thoughts as if talking to myself alone and it makes me genuinely happy. Writing is my simplest yet profound joy.

Writing freely heals me and brings me back solely to my passion. Free from ego, selfishness and desire to be loved by men. What will I do with the praises, appreciation and love of men if I am completely happy and contented with the love I can create for myself through writing? 🙂

Who Am I?

I thought of writing a page about myself… in case a reader would drop by here, he/she will at least get ideas about who I am.

As I write this, I am 8-months pregnant with my first child and is currently living here in Qatar with my husband. We got married last June 2018 in the Philippines (our native country) but because my husband’s work is here in Qatar, we decided to start building our family here.

By profession, I am a civil engineer. It would be a long story to tell why I landed in civil engineering world way back in my college days so let’s just settled with the fact that I am a professional engineer. But I am really hoping that soon, I will be fully able to give up my engineering career to focus on my family, writing, business and life with God.

By heart and soul, I am a writer. I learned that writing is my passion when I was six years old and I realized that it is my life purpose when I was in my early 20’s. However, I was not able to pursue writing career right away because I was not courageous and honest to myself enough that what I wanted to do with the rest of my life is to write.

As human beings, we are all subjected to the process of life – wherein there is an endless journey of discovering what we are here for and how we are going to fulfill it. That’s what happened and continuously happening in my life. It is an endless road to travel. We learn, grow and evolve one experience at a time. I always say that, “Life is a teacher.”

I am also an entrepreneur. I am passionate about entrepreneurship – creating something in service of humanity. As of now, I have my start-up dream business which is an online publication. It is called Creative Thoughts Publication where I publish my works. (You can check Creative Thoughts at www.creativethoughts.co). Hopefully, I would get other aspiring writers published too. I am still on the stage wherein I need to create more for the business to publish other writers.

I am also a Christian by faith. I love God and believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. On my future diary log, for sure I will write about my life with God.

By the way, my name is Madylene San Juan-Tuazon. One diary entry at a time, I will be able to reveal more of who I really am… what’s in my soul, what are my interests and the things that matters in my life.

Why I Started Online Diary

Hello internet world! I have decided to create my so-called “online diary” where I can write and express my raw thoughts and anything that I wanted to write without considering the technicalities and structures of a good writing output.

This blog site is for myself. It would be bonus if readers would find it and get something out of it. You know, I have been a writer and publisher for quite sometime already and the process I do with that has a system and I have to think a lot about the topics, audience, my grammar and other technicalities in order to have a good writing output. But here, it’s different. It is raw writing and messy thoughts.

Because it is just about giving myself a space to write vulnerably. To document my thoughts and life experiences without entertaining the fear of being judged and labeled.

So welcome to my diary! 🙂

~ Madylene